Friend vs Birth Mom

So, I just had one of those amazing conversations with my son’s birth mom. She let me know that I could just introduce her as my friend rather than my son’s birth mom. Earlier at church I introduced her as my friend and Ike’s birth mom, as I have done countless times over the last 9 years. So when Melissa suggested this, I brushed it off like it was no problem at all but inside I became a bit unsettled. Why did I feel a need to introduce her as more than just a friend? Throughout the day and into the next week, I wrestled with this and the Lord began to give me clarity.

From my perspective, calling Melissa my friend is like introducing my mom as a friend. Can you imagine introducing your mom as just a friend? That is unthinkable in my eyes and would lessen the value placed on our relationship. So over the years I have struggled to clearly communicate Melissa’s connection with our family. She’s so much more than a friend and as meaningful to me as a family member. She’s my son’s birth mom. She’s biologically related to my son. Anyone biologically related to one of my immediate family members is called a relative.

But then, I began to think about this word, "friend", and it hit me. This descriptor might just be the best word to use when introducing someone as important to me as my son's birth mom. I thought for a minute about the words we use to describe God. Father, not a problem. Counselor, absolutely. Savior, yep. Creator, sure. But when I hear someone refer to God as their Friend, I squirm. Calling God my friend is not easy or natural for me to do. As I thought about this fact, I spent some time asking the Lord to show me why this is difficult for me. If I figured out why it's hard for me to call God a friend, maybe it would shed some light on my reluctance to call Melissa my friend.

God began to show me that I find comfort in relationships where there's obvious lines of expectations and roles. God the Father acts as a loving authority figure in my life and keeps me "in line". God the Counselor refines me and helps in tough situations. God the Savior saved me from my sin and deserves my lifetime of service. God the Creator knows all, is all, and created all so I can wrap my mind around the idea of worshipping Him all my days. But friend? There's no if/then, you do this/i do this relationship in a friendship. A friend loves just because. A friend doesn't have authority over another friend, didn't create or save their friends, and certainly wouldn't want to parent their friends. A friend just is.... a friend.  Our value of a friend has been distorted by the excessive use of the word.  Facebook friend, for instance.  Do I really have 275 friends?  Of course not.  That would be quite overwhelming!   Today, we use words like "bestie" or "kindred spirit" to describe our closest friends because calling them a friend just isn't enough.  Our society has cheapened the word "friend" to mean acquaintance so we find other words to describe our actual friends. 

So then I brought my thoughts back to Melissa. The truth is, she is my friend. I love her dearly and appreciate her friendship immensely. Yes, she is my son's birth mom but that title clearly defines roles of responsibility. Melissa gave Ike to us and then she was given the title, Birthmom. Because of what she did for us and for her son, she was given that title. But Melissa is more than my son's birth mom. She's my friend. I love her for who she is and not just for what she did for us. I value her friendship and enjoy spending time with her just for who she is.

I realized that I had it all wrong. Calling my son's birthmom my friend was indeed the most important title I could give her and was the best way to describe our relationship that had gone way beyond the boundaries of Mom and Birth Mom. So, I guess I can get used to calling her my friend.... because she IS my friend!